The Silent Fear Behind the Wedding Bells
You have found the one you love. You have the ring on your finger. You have set the date for your wedding. So why does the idea of getting married make your stomach knot up? You’re not the only one who feels this way. Marriage anxiety is real and more prevalent than we speak about.
A month before his wedding, my buddy Jake told me something I’ll never forget. He trembled as he spoke, “What if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life?” over coffee. What if we wake up in 10 years and hate each other?
His voice broke; the issue wasn’t just nerves. The fear was the most basic sort of marital anxiety: the worry of being married forever in a society where half of marriages terminate in divorce.
This article discusses why many Americans fear marriage, how to tell if you have it, and how to cope when the pressure of commitment feels overwhelming.
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Could you please clarify what marriage anxiety entails?
Getting married might make you anxious, but it’s not just pre-wedding jitters. It’s a profound, nagging worry about the promise you’re making for life. It’s lying awake at night and thinking,
“Are we going to grow apart?”
“What if we can’t handle the stress of money?”
“Will I never be free again?”
For some, it happens when they become engaged. For others, it starts to show up years into marriage. But one thing is clear: marital anxiety is common in a society that loves romance but has trouble with long-lasting love.
Why Americans Have Trouble with Marriage Anxiety
1. “Till Death Do Us Part” in a World of Divorce
About 40% to 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. It’s impossible not to think, “Will we be next?” when half of the marriages around you end in divorce.
I’ve seen such scenarios happen before. After 20 years, my cousin’s parents experienced a bitter divorce. At 30 years old, my cousin is scared of making the same mistakes that her parents made during their divorce.
2. The Money Problems of Modern Marriage
Let’s be honest: getting married costs a lot of money. A wedding costs an average of $30,000. Then there are college debts, kids, and purchasing a house (good luck in this market).
Money problems are the number one cause of divorce, so it’s not surprising that people are anxious about marriage when their financial balances run low.
3. The “Perfect Marriage” on Social Media Tell a lie
Every relationship on Instagram seems #blessed—date evenings, matching jammies, and no fights. Meanwhile, a real marriage involves managing household chores, avoiding conflict, and figuring out how to divide responsibilities without escalating into arguments.
Looking at tailored highlight clips of your relationship makes you more anxious about marriage.
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4. The Paradox of Independence – marriage anxiety
Despite the advice to “follow your dreams,” marriage requires relinquishing some of them. Before her wedding, my friend Priya was worried, “What if I want to move for a job and he says no?”
The tension between maintaining individuality and being part of a couple causes many people to worry about marriage.
5. Things from past relationships
Having experienced betrayal, abandonment, or failed marriages as a child can make it difficult to trust others. Trauma says, “They’ll hurt you too.”
Real Stories: When Worry About marriage anxiety Takes Over
Mark’s Story: “I Almost Canceled the” Wedding”—Marriage Anxiety
Two weeks before his wedding, Mark, 34, lost it. “I kept thinking that we would hate each other as my parents did. I loved her, but what if it wasn’t enough? His future wife had him go to premarital counseling.
There, they discovered a safe space to discuss their concerns without fear of judgment. ” She was terrified too, as it turns out.” Just expressing that reduced the stress by half.
Lesson: Anxiety becomes smaller when you talk about it.
Lisa’s Story: “I Felt Like I Was Stuck Before We Got Married.”
Lisa, a 29-year-old, experienced nightmares about signing the marriage license. “It felt like giving up my freedom.”
Her therapist helped her see that she wasn’t terrified of getting married; she was afraid of losing herself in it. They made a “solo time” agreement: one night a week apart to encourage their uniqueness.
Lesson: Marriage shouldn’t change who you are.
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Signs That Your Nerves Are Giving You Marriage Anxiety
How can you tell whether your doubts are normal or if you’re worried about your marriage? Look out for:
Emotional Red Flags:
- Always thinking about “what if” situations
- Getting angry about little things, like snapping over the color of napkins
- Feeling numb or cut off
Physical Symptoms:
- Can’t sleep
- Not wanting to eat (or eating because of stress)
- Attacks of panic
Behavioral Clues:
- Not wanting to organize the wedding
- Fighting with your lover to “test” them
- Constantly looking up divorce statistics
How to Deal with Marriage Anxiety
1. Discuss your feelings openly, including the scary topics.
Before they got married, my buddy Derek and his wife wrote down their deepest concerns. “We read them out loud and laughed—half of them were the same.”
Simply speaking their concerns aloud makes them less terrifying.
2. Stop believing in the “perfect marriage” idea – marriage anxiety
The couples I know that are the strongest? They fight. Occasionally they go to bed frustrated. They have successfully navigated the challenges of losing jobs and experiencing miscarriages together.
When you realize that true love is messy, your marriage anxiety goes down.
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3. Get help from a professional – marriage anxiety
Sensible couples should attend premarital therapy, not “broken” couples. A therapist can assist you with:
Find bad habits, such as stonewalling.
Learn how to solve problems.
Establish a shared understanding regarding children, finances, and personal goals.
4. Make a plan for the worst-case scenario.
Anxiety dislikes rigid plans. Say:
What do we do if things become tough? (Therapy?)? Should we take a weekend off?
What strategies can we implement to address financial challenges? (Monthly meetings on the budget?)
5. Keep in mind that you can go, but you won’t want to.
Understanding that you are making the decision to stay and not feeling compelled to do so could potentially alleviate marital anxiety.
My granny used to say, “Marriage isn’t a prison.” You take care of it every day.
Last thought: Marriage is a choice, not a fairy tale.
Being scared of marriage doesn’t indicate you’re with the wrong person. That shows you know how important it is to keep your word, and that’s a good thing.
The best marriages aren’t the ones where individuals don’t fear anything; they’re the ones where both people say, “This might be hard, but we’ll figure it out together.”
Please tell us your tale in the comments. Sometimes simply saying it out loud makes it less powerful. Share your story with us; let others get help.
